“I was appalled,” said Donna Davis, 56, a medical assistant who lives next door. “If they want to live here, why can’t they start acting like Americans?”
“I can’t stand them,” said another neighbor, Kelli Lawson, 33, who says she is uncomfortable with many aspects of Buddhist life. “It’s strange to us, so we don’t like it.
These were a couple of quotes from today’s New York Times article about how some folks are reacting to Buddhists opening up shop in their Midwest neighborhood. I’m not going to beat the dead horse until it’s still dead in the afterlife and reincarnation. In fact, I want to help these Buddhists by outlining how they can assimilate and start acting like Americans.
- Gain some weight. Your thin frame is lowering the obesity average. Start at the local all you can eat at one of your local strip malls. Better yet, order a larger something or other at the fastfood drive through.
- Give up the vegetarian diet. You’re American now for chrissakes.
- Speaking of Christ, pay him lip service when you feel like it, and start using his and his pop’s name in vain.
- When you’re not meditating or praying, watch some college football. Go Hoosiers!
- Give a stab at some other religion, preferably one with a violent past. Then go get up in everyone’s grill and tell them how they’re sinning.
- You’re still too thin, gain more weight.
- Enlightenment is getting trashed in Cancun.
- Develop an irrational fear and hatred towards people who don’t look like you
- Cut down on the number of strange, unpronounceable syllables in your name to it can read Smith, Brown, and Jones.
- Forget your native tongue. You’re in America, so speak American!
These quick and easy steps will have you putting up yellow ribbon magnets on your Hummer H2 in no time!
